Let’s talk about sex: Editor shares advice from experts about having safe, healthy and pleasurable sex

This past summer, I attended one of Planned Parenthood’s “Sexperts†classes, and I learned about sexually transmitted infections, condoms and gender and sexual identities, among other things. I had not known about these things in such detail because I attended a high school in Tennessee. In 2012, Gov. Bill Haslam signed a bill into law prohibiting Tennessee teachers from teaching “gateway sexual activity,†as the law calls such activities like “touching genitals.†This became law after I had taken my high school health class, but nevertheless, we never learned about condoms with or without the law.

Comprehensive sex education has proven to be effective — researchers for the National Survey of Growth determined teenagers from ages 15 to 19 who received comprehensive sex education were half as likely to experience an unplanned pregnancy than those who had received an abstinence-only education.

With this in mind, for the holiday season, I’d like to give campus the gift that keeps on giving: the gift of knowledge — about having safe, healthy and pleasurable sex. Here are some tips, from the experts, for staying safe while getting physical.

Let’s get back to the basics: communicate with your partner

To have enjoyable and pleasurable sex, the first step involves good communication between those wishing to engage in sexual behavior. Justine Shuey, a sexologist who has spoken to college students for over a decade, thinks this is not talked about enough.

“When I say communication, I’m talking about things like talking to your partner about your sexual history,†Shuey said. “Talking to your partner about what you like and what feels good for you. Talking to your partner about consent and making sure you’re getting affirmative and enthusiastic consent. Making sure everyone’s on the same page with every sexual activity every single time. Having conversations about safer sex — whatever that looks like for people.â€Â 

People should feel comfortable having these conversations if they want to have sex with each other, Shuey said.

“As a sex educator, maybe I’m biased, but I feel like if you can’t talk to your sexual partner about sex, you shouldn’t be having sex with them,†Shuey said. “I feel like if you can put somebody’s genitals in your mouth, you can tell them what you like and what feels right, and if you can’t, you should probably find another partner, or you shouldn’t be having sex with them.â€

If you decide to be sexual with someone, make sure you know the boundaries, both yours and the other person’s, and respect them, Sara Nasserzadeh, a sexuality and relationship consultant, said. She said people need to be clear about what they are ready or not ready to do.

“This will help you when you are in a sensitive situation with a person that you are attracted to,†Nasserzadeh said.

Being able to have vulnerability when you are talking about sex and sharing your thoughts with your partner is key to having sex, said Ian Kerner, a marriage, family and sex therapist.

“Ultimately, it comes down to vulnerabile communication you’re able to have with your partner and also being willing to explore your own unique sexual template — your own unique fingerprint,†Kerner said. “I think we all have different erotic themes that turn us on, and many of those thing are unique to us.â€Â 

Reid Mihalko, who defines himself as a “sex and relationship role model,†outlines seven talking points in what he calls his “Safer Sex Elevator Speech†for discussing safe sex with a new partner:

First, share when you were last tested for STIs, which STIs you got tested for and the results of those tests. 

Second, share what Mihalko calls your “win with me info†— your relationship status, sexual orientation and any relationship agreements that you have the other individual should know about. Share your pronouns, your triggers, your safewords and any other words they should or should not use. 

Third, share your safe sex protocol and needs. Tell them what you need to have safe sex and your emotional and physical safety and after-sex needs. 

Fourth, update your partner on anything you have done since you last got tested — any risky sexual behaviors like a condom breaking or forgetting to take birth control. 

Fifth, tell your partner a few things you like to do during sex in general or maybe just with this person. 

Sixth, tell your partner anything you don’t like to do during sex or might not want to do right now. 

Lastly, turn it around on them and ask them “how about you?†Listen to what they say and how they say it.

 

Make sure you have your partner’s consent

Let me be abundantly clear about this point.

Rape is not sex.

Rape is an abhorrent and violent crime, so you should make sure your partner is enthusiastically agreeing to what you both are going to engage in. Almost three-quarters of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows, according to data from the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN).

Sexologist Shuey often gets asked how one can convince their partner in an existing relationship to do something new, whether it be a threesome, anal sex or anything else. She reminds them you can’t convince someone to do something they don’t want to do — that’s coercion, it’s not consent. 

Educating yourself on the rules, regulations and laws around sexual abuse and assault within both the university and the state might prove beneficial because “you never know when you might need them,†Nasserzadeh said.

Sex should not be intimidating or scary — if you decide you want to engage in it, you get to set the parameters of the sexual encounter.

“Know that at any stage of a sexual encounter, you can stop and reverse the process, so don’t think that ‘now that I am this far, I better continue,’†Nasserzadeh said. “Listen to your heart and mind.â€

 

Get tested and be safe

It is important to have protected sex and to use some type of contraception. Condoms can protect from unwanted pregnancy and STIs, but these are not always a safeguard. It is also important to talk with your partner about any potential risks before sex and to get tested regularly.

“Being able to say, ‘Look, if you want a partner who’s participating, enjoying giving and receiving pleasure, then the sex that we’re having needs to be protected,’†Kerner said. 

Condoms have expiration dates. Storing condoms in places where it would not be exposed to extreme heat or cold, get dried out or punctured is important for proper condom use. Putting it on the right way is also as important.

Oral sex is not necessarily safe sex — every sexual activity has some level of risk, Shuey said. It’s not same in terms of percentage of risk as some other sexual activities, Shuey said, but STIs like Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Herpes and HPV can be transmitted through oral sex, either through the bodily fluids or even skin-to-skin contact with Herpes or HPV.

Unprotected oral sex is one of the leading causes of throat cancer in the United States. Data presented at the American Association for the Advancement of Science annual meeting in 2011 suggested HPV was overtaking tobacco as the leading cause of oral cancers in Americans under the age of 50. You can also get other types of sexually transmitted infections from oral sex, Shuey said. 

Using condoms or a dental dam, a thin sheet of latex or non-latex material  during oral sex, can help prevent this. 

Planned Parenthood provides free condoms at its clinics, and University of Memphis students can also get free condoms in the bathroom at the Student Health Center.

“If you are mature enough to have sex, then you are mature enough to carry condoms with you,†Nasserzadeh said.

Testing for STIs also has importance for people wishing to engage in any sexual behavior, not necessarily just with penetrative sex. Planned Parenthood provides testing for STIs, some free of charge.

“If you’re engaging in any kind of sexual activity, if you’re doing anything that puts your mucus membranes up against other people’s mucus membranes, you should get tested regularly,†said A.V. Flox, a journalist and writer who focuses on the topic of sex and has been published in The Los Angeles Times and Vice.

 

Know what you’re looking for from a sexual encounter

Not everyone who engages in sex wants a long-term relationship leading to marriage, but many people expect a relationship to ensue after sex, Flox said. Dissonance among those engaged in sex with each other can cause some members emotional pain, Flox said.

“A lot of the time, we do approach sex as a physical activity we want to engage in, but most of the time, also, I think we are approaching it as mammals who want to create a bond with somebody else,†Flox said.

Understanding what relationship people engaged in sex will or will not be forming will cut out an awkward conversation afterward, Flox said, and sex in general just may not be for everyone.

“There is a lot of pressure on students to experience sexual encounters once they are in college,†Nasserzadeh said. “Don’t fall into this trap and follow your own pace.â€Â 

Keep thinking about what you like and what turns you on, and notice how it changes — many things are much more dynamic than we realize, Flox said.

“Thinking about pleasure, the most common thing I hear from college students is ‘my partner never gives me an orgasm,’ and I take that back to the ‘well, your partner isn’t supposed to give you an orgasm. You should know your own body enough to figure out sort of what works for you,’†Shuey said. “So exploring your own body and being able to communicate with your partner your fantasies, your wants, needs, desires, what feels good, what doesn’t feel good, what turns you on, what turns you off and having those conversations before having sex.â€Â 

It is important to know which kind of sexual experience you want to have before engaging in one. Know if you are looking for a casual experience or something more serious.

“It’s important to bring a level of self-reflection to the kind of sex you want to be having, you feel you deserve to be having and you are actually having,†Kerner said.

If you are exploring those different parts of yourself, it is important to not box yourself in. You always need to engage in sex that makes you feel good in your own body.

“I think it’s important to be able to fantasize,†Kerner said. “It’s important to think of yourself as a sexual person who’s aware of all the sexual cues — the sights, the sounds, the touch, taste and smells are all around you — and to get familiar with your turn ons and your body. I think to really allow yourself to fantasize and to potentially embrace your quirkier, kinkier sexual thoughts.â€

Exploring your own body through masturbation and different forms of touch and different sources of stimulation can lead to learning more about what you do and do not enjoy in sex, Flox said. Reading erotica and watching pornography can also expose you to things you may enjoy during sex. Flox encourages people to make space for themselves, to reflect on themselves and what turns them on and to look for things they enjoy sexually.

“Kinky sex is now really, really popular, which is interesting, and there’s a lot of kinks within BDSM [Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism] that are actually incredibly interesting and significantly safer,†Flox said. “Full-body latex sex is defintely a way to go if you have concerns about transmissibility.â€

Testing the water when it comes to sex is important for knowing what you want to do. Flox encourages people to “explore all the bases†but said you should be free to say ‘no,’ too. 

“I think, provided you’re with somebody who understands you have certain reservations, you should be very free to just say, ‘No, I want to try this out, I’m not entirely sure,’ and if that person understands that you have agency and is willing to acknowledge your consent, which I would hope is the case, then you can stop at any time,†Flox said. “Make room for yourself to say, ‘I don’t know how I feel about this —  I just don’t want to do it.’â€

And if you do not want to be sexually active, you should not feel like you are missing out on anything.

“I think we live in a society that really tells us we need to be having sex all the time as much as possible, ‘It’s very empowering,’ which it can be, but so can painting,†Flox said. 

I am dedicating this story to Gus, my editor-in-chief, who not only gave me a platform to share this story, but also pushed me to get it done. It has been a “pleasure†to work with you (wink wink).

I am also dedicating this story to my grandfather, Pop, who passed away a year ago today. Before he passed away, he told my parents about how proud he was of me for chasing my dreams. This one is for you, too, Pop.