It’s time to break up with our confederate statues

Many of these statues were erected long after the end of the Civil War, and honestly, it’s never healthy to hang on to the past like that. As a city, it makes about as much sense for us to keep Nathan Bedford Forrest on display as it makes for me to hang pictures of my exes around my desk at work. The past is the past. It’s time to let go. It’s time to break up with our confederate statues. 

It’s just time. It’s been 152 years since the South lost the Civil War. That’s plenty of time to get over an ex ... or even a war. Time is supposed to heal all wounds, but that only happens if you let it. If you keep waiting for the South to “rise again†or staying up staring at your cracked iPhone banking on that “I miss you†text, you will never move on. And you will feel so much better when you move on. 

I know Nathan seemed like the right guy. I know he had a horse. I know he was going to take you and your friends up north for the weekend. But plans change. People change. Statues do mostly just sit there, but that’s not the point... it just wasn’t meant to be. 

Let’s face it, it’s not like he was perfect. Remember that time a friend of yours mentioned that he had been accused of a couple war crimes during the Battle of Fort Pillow? Remember how you heard he allegedly allowed his forces to murder hundreds of prisoners, including many black Union soldiers? You probably put that in the back of your mind and hoped for the best in him, but the writing was always on the walls. 

Hey — remember how you also heard whispers that he helped launch the Ku Klux Klan? Excuse me, if that doesn’t tell you that this isn’t the kind of guy we should look up to, I’m not sure what will. That little piece of information is something you should definitely not ignore. There are few in history who are as misguided and vile as that despicable bunch of hypocrites. 

If you specifically look up to him for the above reason, you sincerely need to rethink what it means to be an American. Period. I don’t even have a funny, breakup-parallel for this part. Judging from what we saw of the alt-right in Charlottesville, most of these relationship jokes are going to fly right over your head anyway. Nice neck beard. 

Memphis just deserves better. Yes, there is some evidence that Forrest had a “religious awakening†and eventually worked to find jobs for the formerly enslaved, but honestly, is that enough of a comeback to warrant his own statue? In our city? It’s too little, too late, man.

There are many historical figures who didn’t have to “come back†from a heritage of hate. It’s like ... if you were meant to be with your ex, you wouldn’t have broken up in the first place. Things are the way they are. You can only move forward.

I’m pleased the Memphis City Council sees the light and has begun voting on some kind of resolution for the city’s confederate monuments. Time will only tell if Tennessee will let us move on, or if the South is in for another 152 years of being petty about our past. I think we need to tell that boy bye.