Doug Hagler lived by the textbook for most of his life. He was raised in a small town close to Clarksville, Tenn. After college, he went to seminary, got married, had three children and served as a United Methodist pastor for 10 years. And then everything changed.
“I had to come to terms with who I was, and it was extremely difficult,” Hagler said. “I was not only thinking of myself and my needs, but my wife and my kids. I had to go to my bishop and tell him I was gay. I had to leave the ministry. I wasn’t going to live a life where I had to hide that.”
Growing up, Hagler knew that there was something inherently different between him and his male friends. In junior high he realized that he didn’t fit into the “stereotypical, conventions of a boy.” One day while waiting for the bus, a group of older, high school guys drove past in a pick-up truck. One, whose unbuttoned shirt opened and closed with the breeze, didn’t notice Hagler, but Hagler noticed him. Still, he didn’t know how to process what he was feeling. And in a small, Southern town, there was no place or person Hagler, now 50, could look to for understanding.
“There were no positive role models that I could look to of gay men,” Hagler said. “I know that now, you are still bullied for being different and gay, but I think that the access we have to conversation on the Internet, the way people are portrayed on the media, there are definite changes for the positive.”
It’s the access to conversation on the Internet that would forever change Hagler’s life. In 2001, a time when the U.S. government was still mostly silent on same-sex marriage rights, Hagler met Frank Moore on an AOL chat room. Eventually, the chat room became a safe haven, and Moore his greatest confidant.
It started with conversation, but when Hagler and Moore met for dinner, an inevitable relationship blossomed.
“He opened that possibility for me,” Hagler said. “He had been married and had a daughter. He showed me I could still have a relationship with my children and that what I was going through wasn’t the end of the world. Because repressing who you are can work so well, I was happily married for 10 years and the years that I was a pastor. It wasn’t until my first experience with a man that I knew there was no going back.”
Having no idea how to explain this realization to his wife, Hagler started seeing a counselor to make sense of his feelings. When he finally confessed to his wife, she was relieved.
“I came home from a session and told my wife, ‘He said I am gay,’ ” Hagler said. “She looked at me and said, ‘Well, duh!’ We very quickly focused on the children and how we might construct a future where they could thrive under the care of us both. I believe that focus helped us avoid getting stuck with hurt feelings or in blaming one another.”
When they divorced, their lawyer tried to convince them to have a primary custodian, to which they both refused. Hagler and his ex-wife decided to maintain joint custody over their children.
After years of assuming the role of roommates with Moore, Hagler finally told his children he was gay, and they were accepting of his sexual identity.
Putting Together The Pieces
After 14 years together, Hagler and Moore have seen both the high and low points of the gay rights movement. Most significantly, The Supreme Court struck down Section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act last year, a law signed by President Bill Clinton in 1996 that defined marriage, for federal purposes, as being between a man and a woman.
In a monumental move of support for equal rights, the U.S. Government began recognizing same-sex marriage for federal laws and programs. Gay couples who were legally married in a state that had lifted its marriage ban could now receive federal benefits — including military family benefits, social security benefits, hospital visitation rights and healthcare benefits.
While the Supreme Court ruled Section 3 of DOMA to be unconstitutional, they did not challenge Section 2, which says that states have the right to not recognize the marriage of same sex couples who were married in a state where it is legally recognized.
Despite this, the Supreme Court’s decision jump-started a wave of same-sex marriage recognition across the country. As of last June, 33 states now recognize same-sex marriage. However, the Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals recently ruled that same-sex marriage bans in Ohio, Michigan, Kentucky and Tennessee may be upheld — a blow to the gay rights momentum that has swept the country this year.
Gay marriage has long been prohibited in Tennessee, and in 2006, 81 percent of voters passed a constitutional amendment that banned same-sex unions.
Hagler sees all of this as a minor setback to an inevitable outcome. One by one, states continue to strike down marriage bans — a reality he never thought he would see — and slowly but surely, he believes Tennessee, among other Southern states, will see marriage equality just as neighboring states such as Arkansas have.
“I never dreamed that we would be able to marry in the United States,” Hagler said. “[Now] it’s inevitable. But I’m not proud of Tennessee.”
Hagler, who lives near Nashville, said that though attitudes have changed since the ban was set in place, gay marriage might still be banned if Tennesseans were to vote again. Because of this, and because of the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals ruling, Hagler said now, more than ever, is the time for the Supreme Court to take action.
“Part of me celebrates that there is all of this change,” Hagler said. “Another part of me thinks I am running out of time. Every moment that I can’t live to my full potential because of society’s standards is a moment lost.”
Another Perspective
Enter Ijpe DeKoe and Thom Kostura. The couple met as teenagers and later started dating. In 2011, they were legally married in New York. But in 2012, they moved to Memphis, where they joined two other couples who were challenging the state’s same-sex marriage ban.
Kostura is currently pursuing a Master’s degree at Memphis College of Art while DeKoe is a member of the Army Reserve and is stationed at the Millington Naval Support Activity Mid-South base.
Kostura and DeKoe liken their place in the equality movement to Apple CEO Tim Cook, who recently came out.
“We remember coming out when we were teenagers and how scary it was,” Kostura said. “Our relationships were not respected like other people’s. Part of our motivation for doing this is so young people know that when they come out, they will have a legitimate relationship that is respected by the state. As Tim Cook said, the public road to justice is paved brick by brick. Here is my brick. We’re happy to do something to help all couples have legitimate marriages in Tennessee.”
Since the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals upheld the ban with a 2-1 decision, DeKoe’s and Kostura’s hope now rests in the possibility that the Supreme Court will finally make a nation-wide decision regarding the case.
To Capitol Hill
On Nov. 14, the three couples, represented by The National Center for Lesbian Rights and their attorneys, filed a formal request that the Supreme Court finally hear the case.
“The Supreme Court generally takes 5 percent of cases that are appealed,” Maureen Holland, one of the attorneys, said. “It’s very difficult, but in this particular incident, we hope there is some chance they will take it up.”
Holland said there is a sense of urgency in attempting to get the Supreme Court to hear the case. If they decide to take it up, it could be reviewed as early as next year. According to Holland, the Supreme Court originally did not take up the cases because they didn’t see a major difference of opinion between the Circuit Courts. However, with a split in the 6th Circuit, Holland said there is now more pressure for the case to be heard.
In September, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said to a Minnesota audience that the 6th Circuit Court’s decision to allow the same-sex marriage bans to stand would make the Supreme Court’s decision on whether or not to hear the cases more urgent.
The Economics Of Equality
A recent study by the Williams Institute estimated that if the same-sex marriage ban were lifted in Tennessee, $36.7 million would be generated in state and local economies from couples planning their weddings and out-of-state friends and family eating, shopping and renting hotel rooms while visiting the state.
There are 10,898 same-sex couples living in Tennessee, according to the 2010 U.S. Census. The study found that 50 percent would marry in the three years after the marriage ban was lifted. It also found that within three years, $3.5 million in sales tax revenue would be generated and at least 111 jobs would be created from increased spending.
Douglas Campbell, an economics instructor at The University of Memphis, said, based on economic growth from other states that have legalized same-sex marriage, lifting Tennessee’s same-sex marriage ban would have an immediate short-term benefit for the state.
“If half of the couples marry, based on numbers from Massachusetts and other states, then it looks like it would bring $23.5 million for the state in the first year,” Campbell said. “But every year, there would be more marriages in Tennessee. There would be more money spent on licenses and certificates.”
Campbell said the study assumes that the average wedding will cost $6,735. However, "we’re talking about marriage here," Campbell said. "And that doesn’t always imply tuxedos, dresses, DJ’s and champagne. I assume some same sex couples would just go down to the courthouse and not have a big ceremony.”
Fingers Crossed
Even after leaving the ministry, Hagler still considers himself to be a man of faith — in his country and his religion. For Hagler, shaping his spirituality has been a continuous journey. While the Methodist church still struggles with the way they approach the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community, he and Moore have found a church that embraces their relationship.
“All people are sacred, but there is still language that says homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching,” Hagler said. “It varies from congregation to congregation. I am fortunate to be a part of a church that is affirming of Frank and I.”
Still, Hagler and Moore, like DeKoe and Kostura, have their feet planted in Tennessee soil and look to the Supreme Court with anticipation and, despite every setback, optimism.
As they wait for a Supreme Court decision, DeKoe will continue to serve his country while Kostura continues pursuing his master’s degree. Hagler will continue to go to work, come home to his partner and help raise their children, as most families do.
“We were actually on a vacation this past summer,” Hagler said. “While Frank and I were walking down the beach I asked him if he would ever want to move away from Tennessee. He said, ‘No, I have to be close to my grandbabies.’ I have three children who live here, and a fourth if you count Frank’s daughter. I’m just like anyone else. The only thing that isn’t here is my right to marry. Why should I have to change?”
A recent Williams Institute study explained that lifting the same-sex marriage ban in Tennessee would generate more than $30 million for state and local economies.
Photo by Harrison Lingo
