When reviewing a straight-to-DVD movie like "Lost Boys: The Tribe," you have to take a different approach.
In most cases, these movies are supposed to be nothing more than campy fun. Production quality is terrible. Acting is almost non-existent and the screenplay was probably written between bong hits. But the movies should still be fun.
Last year's "Wrong Turn 2" was a good example of a decent straight-to-DVD flick: plenty of gore, nudity and inappropriate humor. Good stuff when all you want to do is flip the brain switch and veg out.
But this long-gestating sequel to the 1987 classic, "The Lost Boys," doesn't let you turn off the noggin. Each scene makes you think, "Why, oh, why am I watching this?" Whether it's a theatrical release, a Cinemax movie or a DVD, you should never have that thought. If I weren't getting paid to review this movie that hits shelves on Tuesday, I would have gladly turned it off.
The first film, directed by Joel Schumacher, recent helmer of "The Number 23," is quintessential-quality '80s flick viewing. Two brothers move to a small coastal town in California. Jason Patric, playing the older brother, falls for a hot vampire. While trying to impress the vamp, he drinks the head vampire's blood and starts his vampire transformation. His younger brother enlists the help of Edgar Frog to kill the main vampire, played by Kiefer Sutherland, before Patric can make his first kill. If the head vamp dies, then the others won't have to worry about blood tasting good or bad make-up and fangs for all eternity. From a good performance by Patric, to a scenery chewing turn by Sutherland, right down to the schmaltzy soundtrack, "The Lost Boys" is fabulous fun. But it should never be something for another film to aspire to be. And that's exactly what Corey Feldman, returning to the role of Edgar Frog, the bandana-wearing boy vampire killer, hoped this sequel would become.
I am a child of the '80s, so I know a thing or two about Corey Feldman. I grew up seeing him in the classic movie, "Gremlins," and two of my all-time favorite films, "The Goonies" and "Stand by Me." He fell into obscurity after his last decent film, 1989's "Dream a Little Dream," when he entered the child-actor-turns-to-drugs-because-he-can't-face-not-being-a-cute-kid-anymore phase. Consequently, most of his movies went straight to the Blockbuster shelf. He has tried very hard for a career come-back, but it never works out. You see, Feldman has no talent. When you're a cute kid, this can be ignored. But it becomes increasingly difficult to hide this fact once you become an adult.
However, Feldman's performance isn't the film's only atrocity.
"The Tribe" is a rip-off of the first film with a few changes. A brother and his hot 17-year-old sister move to the same coastal town from the first film. They attend a party hosted by the big, bad vamp Shane, played by Keifer Sutherland's half-brother, Angus. The sister drinks Shane's blood and starts her vampire transformation. Her brother must stop it, so he finds Edgar Frog. They arm themselves with holy-water balloon grenade launchers, twirling garlic bolos and stakes. Can they get there in time to save the sister before she makes her first kill? If you don't know the answer, then maybe this movie is for you.
"The Tribe" tries to fit the mold of schlock horror. There's a bit of arterial spray and if you pause the movie, you might see a flash of breast (not that I tried), but the acting is so nonexistent, the dialogue so ridiculous that it's not even in the "so-bad-it's-good" category.
"The Tribe" does have one distinction - Feldman gets to utter quite possibly the worst line of the year. Edgar Frog, with stake in hand, watches a burning vampire and says in a Clint Eastwood-sucking-on-gravel voice, "Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Light a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life."
Keep that line in mind while lumbering through the aisles of the video store or perusing the Netflix video library for something fun to add to your queue. Do yourself a favor and find something else.
