After adjusting your headband, you tuck your jersey into your shorts just before tip-off. You're ready for action. Black Nike shoes ... check. Black socks with NBA logo ... check. Allen Iverson arm sleeve ... check. Mouthpiece ... check. As the referee throws the ball up in the air, you take your seat in the stands and sip your coke....
I once saw a kid at a Tiger basketball game wearing a jersey and an arm sleeve. I wanted to ask him if he thought John Calipari was going to put him in the game. I think it's dumb that Allen Iverson wears the same sleeve because I don't think it serves any medicinal purpose despite what Iverson says. But he can get away with it because he actually plays basketball for a living. A fan, on the other hand, should be escorted out of the arena and promptly beaten up in the parking lot for wearing it.
What could the kid I saw possibly have said to justify having the sleeve?
"I have tendonitis in my elbow from picking up my nachos and placing them in my mouth," he would say. "The sleeve keeps the elbow warm so I can keep eating and continue being lazy."
I think there is a proper way to dress for sporting events, and fans should abide by a certain code. This code should be posted outside of every stadium and arena throughout the country just like Hammurabi's Code back in Babylon. This way everyone could see it.
First, if you are any type of fan you will wear school colors. Do not, for example, show up at a Tiger game with an orange shirt. If you like Tennessee, then go to a Tennessee game. Also, if you like Tennessee you might consider jumping off a building.
Now, I know some of you who know me will call me a hypocrite because you've seen my Tennessee basketball t-shirt. Let me defend myself. As a na've high school senior I chose to follow a few of my buddies to Rocky Flop for my freshman year of college. I happened to get the shirt for free at Tennessee's pathetic version of Midnight Madness. When I saw the girls play after the men's team that night, I laughed and transferred to Memphis. I did keep the shirt though. As a broke college student, I'm in no position to toss free Adidas gear.
Next, wear a t-shirt or sweatshirt and not a jersey. You are not going to play, and the coach will not call your number. Jerseys are, however, acceptable if you are not at a game and you don't wear a headband to go with it. But you can never, and I mean never, wear the jersey of someone younger than you. Seniors out there, leave the LeBron James jerseys at home. I respect the guy, but it is plain wrong to buy his jersey considering he's younger than me yet still banking approximately 25 million times more money than I do.
The last rule I have only applies to Memphis fans but is the most important rule of all. Do not wear anything that says Memphis State. This is The University of Memphis. I don't want to hear these old people with their "It was Memphis State when I went there 150 years ago" excuses. Russia was also the Soviet Union at one time. I doubt anyone walks around Moscow with a USSR shirt. If someone breaks this rule, they should be tasered and banned from attending future games.
So there you have it. That is my code of sports fashion. I may pitch it to Memphis Mayor Willie Herenton. If I can get him to believe it will somehow raise taxes, I know he will make my suggestions the law.
