Courtship redefines campus romance

"I was fed up," she said, describing a cynical view of college boys that could have ruined her one shot at true love.

"My last boyfriend (before getting engaged) was seeing at least three other women (at another university) while going out with me," she said with disgust. It would have been fine, she said, "had we mutually agreed to that."

Like many young women on college campuses today, Stephenson didn't have marriage on her mind when she started down the rocky road to romance.

"I was just looking to date and have fun initially. I was focusing on my education."

But she did say she expected at least some degree of loyalty from the boys who pursued her, and that didn't happen until her fiance started striking up conversations with her in the McWherter computer lab between classes.

"I could not deal with the deceitfulness" of the others, she said. "I would think we were monogamous, but it was never on their end."

One experience still makes her eyebrows arch with surprise when she talks about it. It involved a student who said he wanted a serious relationship. He even referred to Stephenson as his "girlfriend."

Then she spotted him on Beale Street having too much fun with another girl. "I went over and talked to him, and he didn't even act like he'd been caught."

Stephenson's frustrations plague many college women who get similar treatment because of a startling gender imbalance, according to an 18-month study of heterosexual women's attitudes about sexuality, dating, courtship and marriage by the Institute for American Values. In 2001, when the Institute visited 62 women on 11 campuses for in-depth interviews supplemented by telephone calls to a nationally representative sample of 1,000 others, the sex ratio on campuses nationally was 79 men for every 100 women. The Washington Post reported in December "where men once dominated, they now make up no more than 43 percent of students at American institutions of higher learning ... and this downward trend shows every sign of continuing unabated."

"With these numbers, no wonder boys so often get to call the shots when it comes to girls; they get the pick of a very large litter," responded one Germantown mom whose daughter is a freshman at the University of Tennessee. "Glad I'm not a girl in college looking for love today. I couldn't put up with the stress of the romantic minefield that these girls are forced to traipse."

But many college women do put up with it because, according to the study, they don't have many choices in their interactions with the dwindling pool of men. "Hooking up," usually meaning sex without commitment usually under the influence of alcohol, may be the most demeaning interaction that 40 percent of women in the study said they had experienced.

One in 10 reported having hooked up more than six times.

No women interviewed at The U of M for this story would admit to having hooked up, but one 20-year-old student did talk about the prevalence of the practice. Michaela de Wit said life in general is "faster and looser" than in the days of rigid boy-asks-girl courtships and that hookups are symptomatic of a faster-paced society as a whole.

"People are looking for something quick and easy," de Wit said. "Some people just need experiences like that."

De Wit said she's had opportunities to hook up. Her resistance, says the study, puts her in the category of college women who expect more from men than loveless quickies.

"For me, relationships need to evolve into something special. I need to feel like I'm respected by the person. If there wasn't respect, it would just be about sex, and that's not the only thing you need in a relationship," she said.

The communications major said she's had four serious relationships since age 15, the shortest one lasting about six months. She described herself as very traditional in her dating expectations in a world that seems to think differently.

"All my guy friends call me 'mom' because I'm so old-fashioned," de Wit said. "All my relationships need to start off with something real. If I get involved with a guy, it's for all the right reasons."

Some college women, however, think more like the men who can hook up without feeling demeaned. Germantown resident Susan Cameron, an upperclassman at Mount Holyoke College in South Hadley, Mass., said she hesitates to embrace the traditional rules of sex and chivalry.

Cameron said she's not typically one for serious relationships, adding that for her, sex doesn't have to be about a steady partner. She's had relationships and hookups.

"For me, sex has no connection to (romantic) emotion," she said. "I understand that for some, however, it better be personal."

The practice of old-style chivalry can be defined as including steady wooing by the man with lots of door-opening, handholding and a gradual building up to sex, which can produce mixed emotions, Cameron said.

"Honestly, I'm flattered when a guy goes out of his way for me, but sometimes I think they feel obligated," she said. "Sometimes, I don't allow men to treat me that way just to put the guy at ease, take some of the pressure off."

Chivalry can also be off-putting to the woman, she said.

"Since the feminist revolution, I feel like men have stopped (chivalrous practices) because they're unwanted. Sometimes when you've got a guy who's always opening doors for you and flattering you all the time, you start to wonder, 'Does he have an ulterior motive?'"

But nontraditional dating practices can also be confusing and unpleasant, Cameron said.

Last semester, Cameron said she met a man and "dated" him twice before returning to Germantown for Christmas break. They spoke occasionally by phone during the holiday, but the tone was never serious. When classes reconvened and they met back up, he introduced her to his buddies as his "girlfriend."

"That's it. I came back up north and suddenly I was his girlfriend," said Cameron, who was borderline-shocked by his choice of words. "Then, he stopped calling me."

Cameron pointed out that girls who are upfront about enjoying casual sex must tolerate the age-old double standard that supports men for engaging in the same behavior. They may chuckle about the girls they have sex with while socializing at bars and pool halls. Their status as players may even increase their currency with other guys while sex-loving women are seen as sluttish, worthless or, as Cameron puts it, "walking STDs."

She added that no matter how liberated women may become, they will always feel unfair pressures to be skinny, for example, and to measure up to other expectations that often have more to do with what men want from women than what women want from themselves. As women's rights increase, so do double standards, she said.

"Sex is a personal choice. If you choose to do it, it's not somebody else's place to judge you. But they usually do. It (casual sex) can reduce a woman's status, but increase his. It's really unfair." Despite her feminist views, Susan conceded that "guys do hold a certain amount of power" in relationships with women.

Perhaps this lingering connection to old traditions has to do with the patriarchal establishment, said Denise Malloy, who teaches sociology of gender at the U of M.

"The idea of 'let the man lead' is kind of drummed into our heads in patriarchal society," she said. "But things are changing as young females are experimenting. As women take on more rules that empower people, they get to decide what to do with their sexuality."

Malloy said reasons for the decline in boy-asks-girl romances may include sophisticated birth control methods, pressure from media outlets for girls to have sex to prove their femininity, and attainment of equal rights for women.

But is random sex good for women's self-esteem?

Malloy agreed with Cameron that double standards exist, but that the ways people choose to express their sexuality should never be labeled as simply good or bad.

"It depends on the time and place," Malloy said. "Some girls who hook up can feel guilty for something that's biologically natural. Some people base their life on sexuality and are missing out on so much else. Others feel just fine with their sexuality."

Hooking up may eventually become less prevalent, Malloy added. "It could be that we will return to some kind of courtship ... Nothing stays the same over time."

Relationship dynamics also fascinate Joe Ventimiglia, another U of M sociology professor. He distributes surveys to students in his Marriage and Family class to learn about their romancing practices. The results suggest that college-aged men and women often want the same things in a relationship.

"Kindness, reliability, loyalty, non-smoker - it's often not possible to tell what gender is taking a specific survey," Ventimiglia said.

One male student outside Ventimiglia's classes and surveys said he's all about the security of monogamous love, but that he sometimes resorts to hookups while between serious relationships. He wants all the things that Ventimiglia's respondents say they want from traditional relationships, but that life doesn't always work out that way. He added that hookups sometimes make him feel bad about himself, but not bad enough to say he would never hook up again.

Because the norms of courtship aren't clear anymore, issues such as who picks up the restaurant tab or who gets to be the dominant partner inevitably surface.

"Many men have received flowers and women have sent them," Ventimiglia said. "It's partly to do with the fact that norms have changed."

Ventimiglia is aware of changes in sex and courtship practices and understands that students can get hurt. To help prevent that, he suggested they take courses in sex education, conflict resolution and interpersonal communication.

"I'm out to reduce the number of broken hearts and broken marriages," he said.

Joseph Hawes, a U of M history professor, said he is optimistic for the romantically perplexed: "Young men and women tend to find each other regardless of what the circumstances are."

Just like Terrice Stephenson and her fiance.