Being addicted to sex may seem like a punch line in a joke. But to many Americans, it is no laughing matter.
Tom is one of an estimated 18 million Americans with an addiction to sex and pornography.
"I lost everything," he said. "I lost it all in one fell swoop for one stupid mistake, which I followed with a year of other stupid, dangerous mistakes."
Four years ago, Tom was living the life of his dreams. A recent graduate of the University of Mississippi, he had just landed an executive assistant position at "one of the premier marketing firms in the country."
"It was the perfect job. I had all the perks - dental, vision, everything. I was so excited and newly married. Everything was going okay. I was supposed to be a company man," Tom said.
After a long Labor Day weekend, Tom said, he returned to work and found that his office was empty and his secretary wasn't there. Missing from his office was his computer, which he now says contained an "obscene amount of porn," and his company cell phone was gone.
"I left the phone on the charger in my office. I was in a rush to leave and couldn't get back in to the office. But even then, I never thought anyone would find out."
Tom's secretary, who used his computer after her computer crashed, came upon the obscene material, and she immediately reported his activities to the department supervisor.
"I wasn't fired because I couldn't do my job. My boss was disgusted. She had to fire me," said Tom.
He had begun a "fixation" with pornography his sophomore year in college.
"I thought it was normal. I was a sophomore and really shy with girls, so porn was just my way of dealing with the loneliness," Tom said. "I assumed that after I got married it would stop."
But it didn't stop - it got worse. He went from hiding his pornographic magazines from his wife to getting a separate credit card just in case she might check his statements.
Tom, like the millions of Americans struggling with addiction, said he had to hit bottom before he realized he had a problem.
"Within nine months after losing my job, I lost my wife, friends and was about to lose most of my belongings in the divorce settlement. It all happened so fast," Tom said. He said that although he was "hurt and ashamed" about his divorce, he quickly began other relationships.
"I couldn't relate one thing to the other at that time. But none of those relationships lasted longer than a few months, and I almost always was cheating on them. At the time I though I cheated because I wasn't over my wife, but the truth is no woman would have been enough."
Tom said at one point he was having sex three to four times a day and masturbating at least twice. "I never thought it was excessive."
The Party Girl
Gwen and Theresa have been roommates since their freshmen year in college. Theresa said that she immediately connected with Gwen.
"We're both from small towns so when we got here, we just went wild like every 18 year old does their freshmen year. I did my thing, but Gwen was always more adventurous on the sexual side," Theresa said, laughing.
Theresa said Gwen has more than once had sex with multiple partners at the same time, which is commonly called a "train."
"I had always heard that there were girls who did things like that, but I thought they would be homely girls, not my home girl. She's got a lot going for herself, and I never understood why she was doing it and I never asked," said Theresa.
For Gwen, the answer is simple - she loves sex.
"Nobody is taking advantage of me. I love sex, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that," she said. She also said that if she were a man in his twenties, it wouldn't be a big deal.
"If I was a dude, I would be a playa or just a regular guy. I love the power my sexuality gives me, just as much as a man does," she said even though she admitted that she does understand how some people may see her sexual habits as excessive.
"I've been with almost 60 guys since I've been in college and for some that may be a lot, but not for me."
The Recovery
Now the internet, which has long been blamed (and praised) by many for revolutionizing the pornography business, is actually coming to addicts' rescue. There are hundreds of websites dedicated to helping those afflicted and affected with this problem. Tom said that about a year after "doing the same thing over and over," he went to the website for Sex Addicts Anonymous.
"One of my ex-girlfriends said it like a joke, but once I started reading all of the information they had online, I thought she might be on to something." Tom said.
First he just talked to other addicts online in chat rooms, until he eventually got the courage to go to an SA meeting.
"Maybe deep down I did think, 'Damn, this could be a good way to meet women,' but once I worked the program, it worked for me," he said.
Tom has now been celibate for over a year and said that he now enjoys "a healthy relationship with the opposite sex."
"It's weird how much fun I am having now. Women are more attracted to you when they know you won't have sex with them. It's torture," he said with a laugh.
Tom, who is now a sponsor himself, said that he owes his life to programs like SA.
"They help to take some of the shame and confusion away. They let me know that I really was sick and not just some horny monster."
If you believe that you or someone you love has a problem with sex addiction, contact Sex Addicts Anonymous at 1-800-477-8191. There are also several faith-based sexual addiction recovery groups, including Faithful and True, which can be reached at 1-952-746-3882.
