Alarmists would have you believe that the NBA's new dress code will turn Allen Iverson into a robot.
Fashionistas claim David Stern's conservative dictum will force Rasheed Wallace into a blue blazer and a pair of loafers.
Jewelry addicts worry that Jason Williams will look positively naked without his chains.
Athletes and their apologists are hot under the (newly mandated) collar, saying the code will crimp players' individuality, their freedom of expression, their very identities. It's also racist, totalitarian and downright square.
But they are overreacting.
The dress code is an idea that is harmless and tasteful. We're talking about professional attire. Business casual. You know, class and style - the kind exuded by Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson, Alonzo Mourning and Grant Hill. Shaquille O'Neal has a private tailor and shoemaker who design new ensembles for every occasion. No one would say Shaq is not hip.
Too many guys in the NBA would make Mr. Blackwell's worst-dressed list. Jermaine O'Neal looks ridiculous with Fort Knox around his neck. Steve Nash needs to leave the grunge look to jaded guitarists. Tim Duncan can't possibly be as dull as the jeans and T-shirts he favors. (On second thought, yes he can.) The Queer Eye gang did a makeover of the Red Sox. It's time for them to take the NBA's fashion victims on a shopping spree.
Don't patronize black people by pulling out the race card on this issue. Why reinforce a stereotype by assuming that blacks don't want to see these young professionals dress in a professional manner? And hip-hop culture, the main source of squeamishness here, cuts across all racial lines.
Even Charles Barkley, Mr. Anti-Role Model, thinks the dress code is a good thing for impressionable kids who are NBA fans. He said what black kids wear would be held against them in a job interview, and that very few of them will be playing in the NBA.
Stern has a right to address the image problem of his league, which was exacerbated by last season's player-fan brawl at a Pistons-Pacers game. Stern has a profitable business to run, and his juggling act must appeal to a young audience, well-to-do suite renters and corporate sponsors.
Besides, most teams already adhere to similar guidelines. And nothing is preventing Iverson from wearing whatever he wants in his free time. Only a turtleneck would hide his tattoos anyway. Nobody is ordering Ben Wallace to cut his hair, or Nash to shampoo his.
When LeBron James becomes commissioner of the NBA, then he can allow everyone to wear do-rags. In the meantime, following conformist rules is merely a part of everyday life.
When I worked at Wendy's, I had to wear a silly uniform, as did David J. when he worked at McDonald's, but we had no choice if we wanted to earn our minimum wages.
My kids wear uniforms to school because that's the way it is.
NBA players wear uniforms on the court. It's not too much to ask that they look just as sharp when representing their employer off the court.
