I've written about sports all year, but this is my last column until August and I have some non-sports related questions that must be answered before I go.
Well, maybe not answered. But at least read, reflected upon and crammed under the chair of your 10:20 class.
For one, why is there a Starbucks and plasma screen TVs in the FedEx Institute of Technology and Massive Overspending Building, but Dunn Hall still uses an abacus in the math lab?
Why do Tiger Den cashiers hand you your cash first, stack the receipt on second and pile the loose change on top? Has no one in the history of buying and selling stuff ever realized how hard it is to balance 17 nickels while trying to pull your wallet out of your back pocket and not spill your drink?
Speaking of the Tiger Den: Why does it stay open after scoring a 79 on a health inspection, but when I get a 68 in Spanish they make me go back and try again next year?
Why do I still eat at a place that scored a 79?
Why is it required for me to take Spanish? C'mon Dr. Raines, admit it. You guys just ran out of stuff for folks to take, didn't you?
Why are we all rushing to graduate with no idea where or what to do after that? It's like running to the finish line to be the first one punched in the stomach.
Will there ever not be construction on campus? The University of Memphis has been around in some form since 1914 and they're still not finished?
Why do students have to tailgate for football games in a different zip code than the game itself?
What good is it for McDonalds to get rid of the supersize when they're still open at 4 a.m.?
If FedExForum is so great, then why do basketball games have the cozy, intimate feel of a dentist office waiting room?
If I'm paying $2,000 to go to school, shouldn't it be my choice whether or not I go to class?
Does anything really get better with age? I mean other than your chances of getting into a bar?
What happened to the Taco Bell in the Tiger Den?
Have you ever noticed that only 317 people are going to class on Fridays nowadays?
Why does The Helmsman run the crossword solutions in the same box as the crossword itself? (Does anyone else try to scratch out the answers without looking and end up ripping the whole page apart? Just me? Oh, ...that's cool.)
Why do people write letters to the editor about me when I mention Mike Tyson, but not when I write about DeAngelo Williams?
Why do those same people spell athlete with five E's?
Why is it that Tuesday-Thursday classes seem four hours long?
How can someone look you in the eye and tell you they'll give you $2.45 for a book that cost you $97.50 three months earlier?
Is it football season yet?
You know the cell phones that have earpiece things so people can talk without holding their cell phone? You know those things? Do you ever answer someone wearing one of those because you think they're talking to you? Yeah, me neither.
Shouldn't tests be graded on a curve for the amount of time you study? If I study for 11 minutes and get an 86, shouldn't that count more than someone who studied all night and got a 91?
If all you ever get are text messages, does that mean your friends would rather take 30 minutes punching out a mangled sentence than actually talking to you?
If the University saved money by getting rid of the people who ticket my car, wouldn't that negate the need to ticket my car in the first place?
Every time I walk back to my car, it looks like it just went through a tickertape parade.
What's the etiquette when you get to your car and see someone from your English class writing you a ticket? Do you say "hey," tell them you won't let them copy your quiz answers anymore or just start swinging?
If a tree falls on your car in the Zach Curlin parking lot and no one is around to hear except the Tiger Patrol guy, does he give your car a ticket for obstructing an exit?
Who are the people that continue to leave their watches, wallets and other valuables in the lockers at the HYPER? Haven't they ever read Police Beat?
Why do some people wear $200 blue jeans and carry around $400 purses, but then go back to their dorm room and eat Ramen Noodles?
If you've read this long you're probably reading in class. If you were reading and walking you would've tripped on a construction cone by now.
If you are in class you know exams start Friday right? Maybe you should pay attention.
You're right you can always grab some Starbucks, bask in the glow of a plasma TV and cram for 11 minutes on Thursday night.
