It's David Letterman's birthday this week, so without further adieu:
Top Ten things better to read that Jose Canseco's new book.
10. The nutrition facts on a bag of potato chips.
9. The instruction manual to a Zenith television.
8. The Daily Helmsman.
7. The tattoo of that strange guy in your English class.
6. Spam E-mails about hair plugs.
5. Any novel in a language you don't understand.
4. Those mushy Christmas cards from your grandmom.
3. The fine print on a car commercial.
2. This column.
And the No.1 thing to read instead of Jose Canseco's new book: Jose Canseco's next book, "The Idiot's Guide to Surviving in Prison."
Top Ten reasons the Grizzlies won't make the playoffs:
10. Earl Watson apparently forgot how to play basketball three weeks ago.
9. They're still upset the Tigers didn't make the tournament.
8. Not enough Antonio Burks.
7. Too much Brian Cardinal.
6. Pau Gasol is a baby.
5. Bonzi Wells is an even bigger one.
4. Mike Fratello can't see over the scorer's table to call the plays.
3. They're eating too many Corky's Barbeque Nachos before the games.
2. The playoffs last like two months; that cuts way too far into the summer vacation.
And the No. 1 reason the Grizzlies won't make the playoffs: They're too busy high-fiving Mark Goodfellow.
The Top Ten things you'll never hear from sports personalities:
10. From Mike Tyson: "He's a talented fighter. I have nothing but respect for the guy."
9. From Jim Rome: "I've got nothing bad to say about the guy."
8. From Tiger Woods: "I'm just not as good as I used to be."
7. From Ron Artest, "You've just got to let that kind of thing roll off your back."
6. From DeAngelo Williams. "I thought I was all alone and then he came out of nowhere and tackled me from behind."
5. From Jason Williams: "I'm tired of pointless, behind-the-back passes that cause turnovers."
4. From John Daly: "I couldn't possibly take another bite,"
3. From Shawn Kemp: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman."
2. From Barry Bonds: "I love the media."
And the No. 1 thing you'll never hear from sports personality John Calipari: "No comment."
The Top Ten worst jobs in sports:
10. Robert "Tractor" Traylor's personal trainer.
9. Kobe Bryant's attorney.
8. Lennox Lewis' sparring partner.
7. Ricky Williams' agent.
6. New York Yankees general manager.
5. Personal physician for Ken Griffey Jr.
4. Last player off the Atlanta Hawks' bench.
3. Anything in the NHL. Seriously, anything.
2. Security guard for Piston's home games.
And the No. 1 worst job in sports: a Major League Baseball urine sample collector.Happy birthday, Dave.
