In the early '90s the sports landscape was so simple and easy to understand.
Everything was broken down nicely and neatly into one of two packages. In one box you had the four major sports, football, basketball, baseball and hockey, and in the second box you had everything else: tractor pulls, world's strongest man competitions, spelling bees, etc."
But things aren't so simple anymore.
Hockey's gone and I don't think anyone outside of Detroit has even noticed.
But you can't blame those guys in Motown, they were Hockey Town USA. That's like being the basketball capital of New Guinea.
The problem with hockey was you can't see the puck on television. It's not horrible in person, but when it's on ESPN2 it might as well be Roller Derby.
So hockey's out and I've cried enough, now what's going to take its spot in the back pages of the sports section?
What about golf?
It's not edge-of-your-seat stuff, but it has its moments.
When Phil Mickleson drained that putt on the 18th at Augusta I got chills. And when Tiger Woods blew that two-footer at the British Open I laughed for half an hour.
But I have a problem promoting a sport that my 85-year-old uncle Lou can still beat me in.
I also can't stand the golf clap.
Plop plop plop plop.
I would like just once for someone to bring an air horn to Amen Corner and give Vijay Singh something to think about in that backswing.Golf's out.
How about NASCAR?
It's the fastest growing sport in America, or at least that's what I've been hearing for the last 14 years.
By the way, is that really a claim to fame? Fastest growing sport?
Who'd they beat out, the XFL and Arena Football 2?
It is high-paced action.
Guys with names like Dick Trickle strapped to a piece of aluminum flying a few inches above the concrete at 200 mph.
And then you realize they're just going in a circle.
It's not a knock against them, but there's only so many times you can watch a bunch of cars drive around in a circle before you feel like you're taking orders at a McDonalds drive-thru.
The most exciting part of the races is supposedly when they stop to pit.
Any sport where the best part is a fat guy hunched over changing a few lug nuts isn't worthy of the promotion.
Sorry NASCAR. Maybe you should throw in a few ramps or a flaming finish line.
Anybody up for some poker?
Texas hold'em is about as popular as breathing these days.
What about Chris Moneymaker and Phil Hellmuth holding down the second half of SportsCenter?
One strike against poker is that it's not a sport in the truest sense, but then again every year I have to watch some 13-year-old kid from Des Moines try to spell pococurante or see a 105-pound Japanese guy eat 56 hotdogs.
Poker is better than that.
Unfortunately that's not saying much and poker is still lacking the one component of any good action sport: the instant replay.
There's only so many times you can watch a guy turn over a couple cards and smile across the table.
So what's my suggestion?
Nothing.
I am happy with my new three-sport box. Let's not church it up, hockey was always the stepchild anyway.
By the way pococurante describes a person who lacks interest or is indifferent or apathetic.
Like, that guy in the seventh row at the Rangers game is a pococurante.
