This being the last chance I'll have to inflict my agenda on others before the new year, these are the things I'd most like to hear in 2005.From Memphis athletic director R.C. Johnson, "I'm pleased to announce that we were able to sign Tiger football coach Tommy West to a new seven-year contract and that we have blueprints for a 45,000-seat on-campus stadium to begin construction next week."
U of M president Shirley Raines, "I vow that tuition will not increase for the umpteenth straight year and to further help cash-strapped college students we have decided to grandfather in the Hope Scholarship for all sophomores, juniors and seniors."
Tiger basketball coach John Calipari, "I've got to admit I didn't see this coming a few months ago, but it is a great feeling to be holding this national championship trophy today."
Memphis running back DeAngelo Willilams with two of his linemen by his side, "I've talked it over with the big guys and I've decided to return for my senior season. After all, I've gotta make a run at that hardware."
ESPN college football analyst Lee Corso, "DeAngelo for DeHeisman."Memphis Grizzlies forward Pau Gasol, "I'm tired of taking 15-foot jumpers. I really just want to grab like 20 rebounds a game, dunk the ball as much as possible and start fights with Ben Wallace and Shaq."Big XII commissioner Kevin Weiberg, "We've decided to ask Baylor to leave the Big XII conference and I would personally like to ask the University of Memphis to replace them in all sports."
U of M defensive coordinator Joe Lee Dunn, "I think we're going begin using a zone defense exclusively and I'm going to tell our cornerbacks to play the ball and not the man from now on."
Ole Miss football coach Rip Scherer, "I know this is just my first year, but I think the people are really upset to lose to Memphis for the third year in a row."
Tennessee football coach Phil Fulmer will actually make a couple of announcements, "I didn't give them much of a chance with a first-year starter at quarterback, but you've got to give the Tigers credit, they just plain beat us in our own house. That no. 20 is the best back in the country and in an unrelated development I'll be resigning tomorrow."NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue, "With the fifth pick in the third round of the NFL draft the Dallas Cowboys select defensive tackle Albert Means.
"With the 12th pick of the fifth round the Jacksonville Jaguars select wide receiver Tavares Gideon.
"With the ninth pick of the sixth round the Miami Dolphins select quarterback Danny Wimprine."
NCAA commissioner Miles Brand, "I tried to act differently for a while now but the truth is this whole BCS thing isn't working. In fact it never really worked. We made that whole computer ranking-stuff up, they never really existed. We just pulled them out of a hat a week before the season started. So, starting next year college football will have a true national champion from an eight-team playoff to decide a true national champion and that true champion will be crowned annually at the Autozone Liberty Bowl in Memphis."
Kym Gerlock for the Tennessee lottery committee, "I'm excited to give this Powerball check for $192 million to college student Daniel Ford. Mr. Ford apparently found the ticket in an abandoned Mercedes."
