The new book "He's Just Not That Into You: The No--Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys" has been shaking things up on the talk show and relationship circuits. In a Dr. Phil--like voice, the authors deconstruct the behavior of men and attempt to provide a road map women can follow when trying to figure out if Mr. Right Now is Mr. Right.
The indicators range from the broad to the anecdotal, but a quick discussion of the book with friends revealed to me that many of its commandments are as applicable to men as they are to women.
It is the opinion of this humble columnist that most love relationships are built around heart, body and time.
These factors determine whether there's anything more than just "hanging out" going on between two people. Since we don't have the luxury of seeing behind the eyes of the one we love, we're compelled to take her word for things. But words can be self--serving, and once she has it in her head that we're not for her, she'll generally not be too concerned with the consequences of her actions.
So it is actions, not words, that become the scale upon which we must base our decisions.
The first way we are shown love is through the heart of another. It sounds intangible, but you know when it's there -- a look in the eye, a softness in the voice, a laugh at things that aren't really that funny. Once she gives her heart to you, blind faith steps in -- and you will assume to the very end that those signs were always there.
Looking back, though, you'll see how they faded over time and were replaced by more mechanical reactions. In retrospect, you realize that some of those smiles and laughs were reflexive impulses that didn't come from the heart.
If the "loss" of the heart in a relationship is difficult to map, the loss of the body is not. Waning physical contact is unmistakable. Our bodies love to be touched, and once we've found that perfect balance of trust, love and contact, it's like crack. When it starts to fade, we feel the withdrawal immediately.
Since undecided people don't like to tip their hats, they continue to hold and caress even after the heart has taken a leave of absence.Naturally, this is very confusing. To the unquestioning member of the duo, things can seem on the surface to be cruising along swimmingly.Fortunately, if heart and touch are not easily identifiable, time is inescapable. Every day it surrounds us. Every day we can tell if we're getting the time we need or deserve from a partner. It's easy to look around and see who isn't there. It's easy to notice that the time we used to share is now being spent alone or with others.
When that pang of loneliness first strikes, we respond like a firecracker: "Hey, we haven't really been hanging out that much; we need to see more of each other."
The solution to that is the solution to everything. It can take many forms, but it will say one of two things:
1) "Totally, I'm missing you like crazy, things have been hectic, but I need to work you back into my time!" Even though the sacrifice might be a two--sided compromise, the desire is there and so then must be the love.
2) "I'm so busy; I really just don't have time for anything right now." No sacrifices, no compromises, no shared feeling of loss, just a simple excuse for the way things are means it's time to let go. At that point, he or she just isn't that interested any more.
