It's been four long years, and, finally, come May, I'll be outof The University of Memphis for good. I've had some good times atthis school. But for all the good times, there are definitely manythings I can't say I'll miss -- the never-ending construction, thealways-increasing tuition, the hassle of trying to get up the stepsto the University Center and, especially, the traffic.
The U of M area has the worst traffic in the city. Even on dayswhen it's not bumper to bumper (with most of the cars bumpin'), thetraffic situation on campus is annoying, to say the least.
I've never understood what makes people think the circle made ofSouthern, Patterson, Central and Zach Curlin is The U of Mequivalent of the I-240 loop. Cars zoom at top speeds around othercars and through groups of pedestrians as if they were at the Indy500. And that's the first problem with U of M traffic -- peopledon't know how to drive in high pedestrian areas.
They don't understand that on an urban university the pedestrianpretty much always has the right-of-way. They don't understand thatthose little lines going across the street with people at eitherend are actually crosswalks, where they're supposed to stop and letpeople ... you've got it, cross. They don't understand that theycan't drive 50 mph in an area where on any given day there could beupwards of 20,000 people walking along.
But bad driving isn't the only problem with U of M traffic.Let's talk about everyone's favorite issue -- parking. There are22,000 students at The U of M, only 2,000 of whom live on campus.Let's do the math. That means there are 20,000 commuter students atThe U of M. Of course, not every student comes to class every day(or even every week). But with a possible 20,000 students oncampus, I'd say the amount of parking -- or at least close parking-- on campus is not sufficient.
What the campus needs is fewer cars, more parking and moredriver awareness. Of course, it's not completely feasible for The Uof M to have 20,000 close parking spaces. Nor is it feasible toforce every incoming student to take a driving course (I know Iwouldn't have gone). But I do have one excellent solution to The Uof M traffic problem. Consider this my thank you for four years ofgood times.
The U of M should ban all cars on and around campus. That'sright. No cars at all. There would be no cars allowed on Central orSouthern from Goodlett to Highland, and no cars allowed anywherebetween those four streets. What could be better? Wouldn't thissolve all our traffic problems?
I know. You're thinking, "But how will I get around? How will wecommuters get to and from school? How will I cruise the campusblaring rap music and checking out girls?" Well, I have a solutionfor that, too. Since tuition goes up every year anyway, next yearwhen it goes up, the administration will just add to studentactivity fees the cost of a brand new motorized scooter! Wow! If Iwere going to be here next year (which, remember, I'm not), I'dfeel like I just won the trailer camper, the silverware collectionand the new carpeting on the Price is Right Showcase Showdown.
Scooters would also decrease the amount of serious campusaccidents involving injuries. Think about it. You have no realblind spots on a scooter, so you'll be able to see everything.Also, everyone else will be riding a scooter, and I don't think thecollision of two motorized scooters would cause much damage (Forthose of you who are confused, I'm talking about actual motorizedscooters -- they go about 15 mph, tops. This is not a cool Vespa.This is a motorized scooter).
Also, motorized scooters are small. You could fit about 10 ofthem into a parking spot that normally would only fit one SUV. Andthere you go. That solves the parking problem.
I know what you're thinking. There are so many things you can doin a car that you can't do on a motorized scooter. Well, most ofthe things you're doing in that car are things you shouldn't bedoing anyway --you know what I'm talking about.
And you're probably complaining about what to do when it rains.I have you covered. Every scooter will come equipped with astate-of-the-art Go Go Gadget umbrella. It'll pop right out of thehandlebars as soon as it feels the first drop of rain.
Next, you're going to say you can't look cool or express yourindividuality on a motorized scooter. Well, friend, that's just nottrue. Gals, remember when you were about 10 and had the coolestpink and purple streamers and the prettiest plastic basket with thefake flowers on your handlebars? Or fellas, remember your old bikewith the walkie talkie and the bell?
Come on, people, let's bring those fun things back to life! Youcan totally attach a boom box to the handlebars of a motorizedscooter, and I'm sure two people could fit on one. Plus, howromantic is it to see a guy riding with his girlfriend on thehandlebars? It's so perfect ... it almost makes me wish I weregoing to be around next semester to see it all.
If you're still worried about how inconvenient motorizedscooters will be, read the previous paragraph again. Think abouthow happy all that stuff will make you. Good bye, road rage. Also,think about how good it'll be for the environment. Those of you wholive in Collierville will be riding 30 or 40 miles on a nice, cleanmotorized scooter, not a big, polluting car. Isn't that worthhaving to stop eight times to refuel?
And if you're still unhappy about this brilliant idea, well, I'msure you all will work everything out. Anyway, all the nuts andbolts aren't my responsibility ... I won't be here next year.
