How dare John Kerry call the Republicans "crooked liars?" Thatisn't presidential, and I demand an apology. After all, whenPresident Bush and Vice-President Dick Cheney were overheardcalling the New York Times' Adam Clymer a nasty name during the2000 campaign, they were only kidding. They didn't really mean theguy any harm.
Allow me a moment to wipe the tears of laughter from my eyes.Did I really read that the chairman of the Bush re-electioncampaign, former Montana Gov. Mark Racicot, demands an apology? IfKerry is anything like me, the best way to not get an apology is todemand it. Wait, was that honesty coming out of Kerry's mouth?Well, let's get that out of here immediately. There's no place forthat kind of straight talk around here, mister. You've offended mydelicate sensibilities. Surely, you're joking, Mr. Racicot.
Any fool knows the truth comes out in private, is whisperedbeside water coolers and is offered openly behind closed doors.What we saw Wednesday was a welcome peek behind the curtain. Anyonethin-skinned enough to change his vote because of Kerry's looselips doesn't deserve one. The world is no playground, and theperson leading me had better be tough. The candidate who gets myvote will be no Casper Milquetoast-like cartoon character. It's themost powerful position in the world, folks.
If you want to make me laugh, complain about the lowering ofstandards in this year's election. If you want to make me fall onthe floor laughing, act as if your side is above throwing mud.
When hockey player Todd Bertuzzi of the Vancouver Canucks wassuspended Wednesday for putting a heavyweight hit on Colorado'sSteve Moore, breaking Moore's neck, Bertuzzi's apology andstatement that he didn't mean to hurt the guy rang as hollow aswould Kerry's. When Bertuzzi returns to the ice, Colorado fans willbe looking for revenge, the same revenge Bush fans are looking fortoday.
Is the battle heating up? You bet. Will clearer heads prevailafter the election? Probably. Will Bush and Kerry meet afterward,shake hands and congratulate each other on a spirited fight?Yes.
Kerry has locked up the nomination, and it's time to strap onthe gloves and ring the bell.
Those in the ring know it's a no-holds-barred struggle. It's thehandler's job to feign emotion. It's the speech-writer's job tocraft apologies and lamentations. And it's the electorate's job tosee past the dog and pony show and somehow catch a rare glimpse ofwhat Kerry let slip when he thought no one was looking -- thetruth.
So, Sen. Kerry, if honesty is what we get when the microphone isassumed off, then turn all of them off and let's get down tobusiness. Select a running mate and sweep out the OK Corral. Butwhoever you pick had better be more than just a pretty face becausethis ain't no beauty contest. No one wants to see that swimsuitcompetition.
