On Tuesday, Roger Fowler, Director of the Department of Public Safety, issued a campus-wide email describing an attempted assault/kidnap/ rape/god-knows-what-else that occurred in the Central/Conlee area, complete with a description of the suspect and instruction for us to all be vigilant, and to alert campus police in the event the perp is spotted.
Naturally, I wondered what could possibly be the university's official response to this incident -- the umpteenth of its kind that has prompted Public Safety to remind us that expected savoir-faire from fellow pedestrians here in U of M land might involve violent crime. I'm imagining something like this:
"... When pressed for comment, Whoever's Running This University These Days stated for the record, 'We can not possibly at this time route funds from multi-million-dollar clock towers and other campus eye candy to closed-circuit television monitoring of parking lots or anything else that would have similar measurable benefit to students.'"
Cripes. How much cash was doled out for the University Center's facelift?
How much does it cost to plant fancy flower gardens around the UC Mall each spring and to rotate them every couple of months?
Do I sound angry? Does a duck have lips?
But, hey, at least we have two things going for us: (1) a clock tower that (allegedly) displays the current time, and (2) a description of a male in his early 20's who was -- and I'm quoting here -- "dressed nice like a student." My summation is that only one of these two will stick out like a sore thumb on a college campus, and, unfortunately, it won't be the one that we actually need to find.
I am well aware that both campus and Memphis police patrol the lots, but cameras differ from human surveillance in a few key ways: they don't take breaks; they don't have to leave to patrol other areas; they're always around when you need them; and, most importantly, the accounts of the events they give are not subject to the failings of human memory--e.g. the understandably blurry memory of a traumatized near-victim of a violent crime.
And as a final bonus: unlike our illustrious new clock tower, security cameras in the parking lots would actually benefit a substantial portion of the student population in a direct and demonstrable way. The idea is so ingenious, you'd think areas with the potential for crime, like Beale Street or even large parts of England, would already have such systems in place. Hey, wait a second...
