Roses are red, violets are blue; I went to see this movie, so that you won't have to. And that just may be the best gift you'll receive this Valentine's Day.
With slasher movies already getting a bad rap, studios continue to dish out horrible horror flicks that hurt the genre even more.
Look at last year's sequel to Urban Legend -- it was a complete waste of the viewer's time and money. Valentine, the latest entry into the dying (no pun intended) genre plays off the "love" holiday and how lonely the day can make some people feel inside.
Denise Richards plays a part much more in tune with her abilities than she did as Dr. Christmas Jones, an engineer, in the latest James Bond flick The World Is Not Enough. Richards is Paige Prescott, one of a small close-knit group of friends targeted for murder by an old junior high classmate.
Notice her character's name: Paige Prescott. You would think that these "great" Hollywood writers could come up with a last name a little more original. Prescott is the last name of the head victim in the highly successful horror movie, Scream.
If you can push through the obvious rip-offs, you find four female characters about as interesting as the infamously boring Big Brother cast. They are cardboard cut-out twenty-somethings looking for love. The girls -- Paige, Kate, Dorothy and Lily -- are picked off one by one in an unoriginal fashion.
They receive Valentine cards just before they are gutted with knives, branded with irons and chopped up with axes.
The holiday cards are flashy little things that have poetry far less moving than the one I began this article with. One example is "Roses are red, violets are blue; they'll need dental records to identify you!"
The girls soon decide that Jeremy Melton, a geek that they picked on in school, is responsible for the untimely deaths.
It is one of those grand coincidences that they figure this out.
There is a breakthrough performance here tucked away somewhere though.
Jessica Capshaw, (the daughter of Steven Spielberg's wife, actress Kate Capshaw) plays Dorothy, the rich and powerful victim.
With a role more demanding, Capshaw might just have what it takes to make it in the business. If she doesn't get that role, she can always turn to mom and stepdad's small influence in Tinsel Town.
David Boreanaz -- known best for his roles in the popular television series Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel -- plays Adam Carr, a recovering alcoholic and boyfriend to one of the girls.
Of course he is immediately considered a suspect. His performance is far from scene-stealing however. He is dry and stiff when the camera is turned his way. Too bad such talent was wasted.
So is there anything worth making a trip to the cinema to see this movie?
Well, if you like blood and guts, there is a little of that. If you like the cookie-cutter "cat jumps out of the closet" thrills, then there is plenty of that. If you like a killer that just won't seem to die, then don't delay, act now, because this movie will not be sticking around too long.
Grade: D
(R, 96 minutes)
Valentine is currently showing at:
Collierville Towne Cinema 16; Desoto Cinema 16; Forest Hill Cinema 8; Highland Quartet; Malco Majestic 20; Stage Cinema 13; Trinity Commons Cinema; Star Cinema 12; Hollywood 20 Cinema; Jackson 10; and the Showcase Cinema 8.
