Halloween is a rather strange holiday, I think.
Seriously, what exactly are we celebrating?
Are we celebrating the fact that we all want to dress up like someone or something else? Do we all hate ourselves so much that we need a holiday to escape our own personalities?
Are we celebrating the fact that our children have go house to house to satisfy their hunger for sugar? Do we really want to celebrate our children being candy-fiends?
What's the deal with putting on costumes and trying to look scary, anyway?
I see many faces everyday on campus that are a thousand times more frightening than any Halloween costume.
Some of you -- you know who you are -- should just go trick-or-treating as yourselves, if you really want to scare some people.
Then we've got fraternity houses attempting to have haunted houses that draw a grand total of four visitors.
Listen, if you greeks want to have a really scary haunted house, forget the vampires. Forget the dead bodies that spring to life. Forget the ax murderers popping out of dark spaces.
Instead, make your house look like it does during pledge week and then just haze the visitors as they walk through.
Guaranteed fright, I promise you.
What about this Costume Cruise, sponsored by my friends in the Student Activities Council?
So, you guys dressed up in some silly costumes and rode a riverboat for three hours. Do you people really have nothing better to do with your time?
I've got a feeling that a large portion of the SGA attended this event. Sounds like it's right up their alley.
It's pointless, run by incompetents and anyone with any self-respect wouldn't be caught dead there.
For the good of The University in particular and the world in general, here's to hoping the ship hit an iceberg.
How did I (your hero) spend Halloween, you ask?
Well, after dressing up like former Tennessee governor Ned McWherter, which gave several trick or treaters the scare of their life, I went to work to write this wonderful column for your enjoyment.
But for future reference, here are some suggestions that may spice up your dull lives next Halloween.
Go to a Halloween party dressed as a Southern Baptist and then spend the entire night preaching against the evils of this holiday, a sure way to keep your friends in stitches.
For all you women, go door to door proclaiming that you will turn tricks for treats.
Your bag will simply be brimming from candy after just a couple houses.
Consider these suggestions to be freebies ... you don't even have to thank me.
